There have been a few interesting treatments of this theme, notably in Oblivion. I didn't think that either the book or the film quite worked, but I appreciated what they were going for.
I think you've painted an inviting picture. I'm interested enough that I'll check out part 2. I don't think you need her speech in the first half of the text. It distracts from an otherwise interesting flow of events. The strength of this is in the internal conversation and her behavior, rather than what she says to herself when it's just her. Nice work.
The first three things she says to herself. They’re all short, throwaway lines. Like Damn, shit, and something else “Some dream,” or something. Everything after that, where she’s conversing with…it…works perfectly.
I appreciate all constructive feedback. I didn't spend days and weeks writing these stories. I just shoot from the hip and post them as writing practice, so I'm sure there are opportunities to tighten the prose. I love the feedback.
Happy to be the first comment, Stephen!
There have been a few interesting treatments of this theme, notably in Oblivion. I didn't think that either the book or the film quite worked, but I appreciated what they were going for.
I think you've painted an inviting picture. I'm interested enough that I'll check out part 2. I don't think you need her speech in the first half of the text. It distracts from an otherwise interesting flow of events. The strength of this is in the internal conversation and her behavior, rather than what she says to herself when it's just her. Nice work.
You don't think she needs to talk at all? Or is there a specific beat that pulls you out?
The first three things she says to herself. They’re all short, throwaway lines. Like Damn, shit, and something else “Some dream,” or something. Everything after that, where she’s conversing with…it…works perfectly.
Or just ignore me. If you think it works, and I'm the only one who mentioned it, I'm just one voice in a sea. :)
I appreciate all constructive feedback. I didn't spend days and weeks writing these stories. I just shoot from the hip and post them as writing practice, so I'm sure there are opportunities to tighten the prose. I love the feedback.